DadTalk

Satire It’s Time We Listen to Those Wanting to Shrink Government

With thousands of Americans protesting big government, I think it’s time we listen.

We’ll start by dumping discussion of a public health care option. After all, it’s clear that Americans are too freaked out about such a program. But to be consistent with the protesters’, analysts’ and policymakers’ demands, we should also:

Get rid of Medicare and Medicaid. These are big government programs that only benefit a few people. Such a socialist system only serves entrenched Americans who failed to plan for future medical costs. Sure, my mom will be without health insurance, but that’s just tough luck.

Shut down Social Security. Again, who does this help but a few hundred million people who failed to save enough for retirement? It’s not my fault, as an American taxpayer, that pensions and 401ks are under funded. By getting rid of the government-run program, business will jump right in to help current and former employees. I’ll be making a sacrifice here, too: We’ll force mom to sell her condo before she moves in with my unemployed sorry ass.

Get rid of public education. The system is a complete failure because we try to educate children we shouldn’t even bother with. Instead, let capitalists use supply and demand to determine who should get a quality education. I’m sure that business owners will provide high-quality education in poor neighborhoods even if parents can’t afford steep tuition rates.

Stalk Your Kids on Social Media

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

It’s fun. It’s hip. It’s the best way to keep tabs on your children.

‘Green Crack’ Is Drying Up Despite Fed’s Best Efforts

The addict rifles through the mail piling up on his kitchen counter.

Late electric bill.

Late gas bill.

A warning from his mortgage company.

“Crud. It’s gotta be here somewhere.”

Half of the pile falls, scattering on the floor.

“Sh---”

John bends over to pick up the pile. There, just under the cable bill – that one is always paid on time – is what John is looking for.

“Pay off all your bills!”

“Low your interest rates!”

“Consolidate debt!”

John shakes as he opens up the envelope. A rush of warm liquid power courses through his body. “You are approved for up to $8,000!”

“I swear, this is the last time I’ll ever borrow money,” John says quietly to the cat.

Meanwhile, deep in the recesses of America’s financial power, the Federal Reserve Board considers its next move to keep Green Crack flowing out to businesses and consumers.

The Credit Czar considers his recent efforts:

“Lower interest rates. Check.

“Make it easier for financial institutions to borrow. Check.”

“Let banks use worthless holdings as collateral to borrow money. Check.”

“Print more money. Check.”

A Simple Plan to Make Most Out of Drugs Found in Drinking Water

By now, you’ve probably heard about The Associated Press probe that found all manner of pharmaceuticals in our drinking water. Since the economy sucks, I was thinking this could be good news for money-strapped Americans:

Doctor: Hello fellow Americans! I’m so glad you could join this little forum! I know the cost of drugs has gotten out of hand, so I’m here to answer all your questions on where to find the cheapest drugs.

John: Doctor, I suffer from epileptic seizures, but my insurance won’t cover “unwarranted” prescriptions. What can I do?

Doctor: Ah, this is an easy one. Just move to Southern California! There is plenty of anti-epileptic medicine in the drinking water there!

Alice: Um, Doctor? My kids keep catching strep throat at school, but I can never get a doctor’s appointment when they’re sick. What can I do?

I Feel for You, the Suffering Wealthy Parents of America

To the couple that had to have 300 holes drilled in their “flat-front lacquered maple cabinets in the kitchen,” I really feel for you.

Same goes for the family that had to put “their 18th-century mahogany dining table and chair set in storage.”

These and other housing décor horror stories in The New York Times really moved me. I know how tough it can be to order a billion-dollar table from France only to have the children carve initials in it.

And I know exactly what it feels like to buy priceless Barcelona chairs, only to have to stick them in storage because the “corners are basically razor blades.”

Yes, my experiences are very similar to the other rich and famous. I feel for all parents in the world that had to sacrifice world-class design just to make their homes child-safe.

The suffering of mankind is endless.

My New Business: Baseball Trading Cards (on Steroids)

I’m not a close follower of sports, but it’s been hard to miss what’s been going on with the baseball drug and steroid scandal, which is summed up in The New York Times. The scandal confirms my belief that there are few compelling reasons to turn my kids into sports fans.

In fact, I consider it payback for all the times newspaper sports editors told me: “Bicycling isn’t a real sport. Only baseball, football and basketball are.” There was some debate about whether hockey constitutes a real sport.

On the other hand, I think there may be a way to profit off this ugly mess: My very own line of “Sports Trading Cards (on Steroids.)” I offer two samples here. The backsides would include a complete breakdo wn of steroid use each season. Since I doubt athletes will publish their true drug-use numbers, I will ask fans what and how much they think each player was using and then average the results.

If you want your very own Sports Trading Cards on Steroids, let me know in the comments section.

Satire ‘Ninth Circle of Hell:’ Flying in the Modern Age

No food. No leg room. No service. As Americans already know, flying coach these days is not a pleasant experience, writes The New York Times.

Things are so awful, that today’s fliers “now view getting on a plane as roughly akin to entering the ninth circle of hell.” Hell, by the way, is multiplied by the number of children you have in tow.

Here’s what the Spirit Airlines’ chief executive e-mailed an employee who was complaining about a delayed flight:

“Please respond, Pasquale, but we owe him nothing as far as I’m concerned. Let him tell the world how bad we are. He’s never flown us before anyway and will be back when we save him a penny.”

As bad as flying is today, I started wondering what it might be like in 20 years, starting with boarding the plane:

Should This Product Be Recalled?

I’m sure this picture is already floating around the web, but someone sent this to me via e-mail and it’s the first time I’ve seen it.

I know we shouldn’t laugh, but it does seem to sum up the state of children’s toys today.

Hey Parents, Our Genes Are to Blame for Picky Eaters

The moment I saw the headline “Picky Eaters? They Get It From You” in The New York Times on Wednesday, I knew it would rise to the top of the most e-mailed list. Sure enough, it did.   

As well it should, since parents like you and me are constantly trying to get our kids to eat broccoli instead of Meal Number 1: “Chicken Nuggets and French Fries.”

Actually, our daughter, Lael, will eat anything. It’s our son who resists all new foods (though lately he is becoming more willing to try things – like different brands of bread.)

The good news, parents, is that we’re only partly to blame, according to a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. In fact, only 22 percent of our children’s eating habits are because of parenting flaws. The other 78 percent comes from our genes, which we can’t do much about anyway. (Of course, when you add it up, parents are still 100 percent to blame.)

Lael, Queen of Destruction

Nothing can stop the queen. Our 20-month-old Queen. The Queen of Destruction.

Books fresh from the publisher are thrown to the floor and stomped on. Toys are hurled across the room to test flightworthiness.

One clock radio was so angry at its mistreatment, that it seeks revenge by playing static at odd hours of the night. The royal garbage chute becomes its final sanctuary. The replacement clock radio fails to survive much longer as the Queen removes a side panel and permanently disables the timepiece.

When the Queen is hungry, she opens the bi-fold pantry doors of her castle in search of culinary pleasures. Packaging of cheese crackers, pretzels and even apple sauce cannot stop her dexterous fingers and strong arms. Dry rice sometimes catches her favor. But duck if nothing suits this Queen’s fancy. Packages of cereal, soup and Mac & Cheese will fly off the shelves and into the heads of her loyal subjects. Beware the displeased Queen.

Sometimes, the pantry fails to suffice. She toddles over to the coffee table and with huge sweeps of her royal arms, knocks everything to the floor. More children’s books, water bottles, everything. Then her royal majesty climbs up on her throne, which is pressed against the kitchen island and starts rummaging. Plastic cereal bins are raided, then thrown to the floor in disgust. Mail is pilfered. The queen mum’s purse is savaged for makeup.

Ah, a permanent ink Sharpie. Royal makeup for the Queen’s fair skin. Burt’s Bees foot salve for her royal blond locks.

Oh look, the Queen mum’s three-month-old driving binoculars. They displease me. I will break them. Again.

And finally, the royal scepter. An 8-inch long knife. Bow Queen dad as I raise my fair blade to knight you. Or as my son would tell you as we read Alice in Wonderland, “Off with his head!”