A Tough Lesson to Learn

I spent most of my afternoons last summer teaching my kids basic swimming: putting their faces in the water, holding their breaths, diving down to retrieve torpedoes and basic freestyle.

In March of this year, I began schlepping the kids to the park district aquatic center for more lessons. By April, Seth was on our community swim team.

Not surprisingly, Seth was the slowest of the swimmers. Not only was he slower than his classmates, but most of the younger children as well. I say not surprisingly for two reasons: 1. Because the kids out here have been swimming for years and 2. Because speed is not my forte, endurance is.

After a practice or two, we decided Lael wasn’t ready emotionally to be on the swim team. But physically, Lael is highly advanced in every sport she tries.

Back to Seth: It took a couple weeks before my poor boy could make one length across the pool without flopping onto his back, resorting to chicken, star, rocket. Unfortunately, he was spending so long on his back, he wasn’t really swimming.

At some point, I discovered the real problem: Seth wasn’t inhaling when he turned his head up. I quickly hired a swimming tutor for help. After one private class and a few more at the aquatic center, we resolved that problem and he started making it across the pool.

Over the next few weeks, Seth became strong enough to swim several laps freestyle and backstroke across the pool. But butterfly confounds him. On the other hand, Seth was excelling at breast stroke, the only stroke his mom swims.

But despite all those practices and extra classes, Seth was repeatedly coming in last during the pressure-free swim meets. It’s not easy catching up to kids who have a pool in their back yards.

I also should explain that Seth is kind of like John McEnroe when he loses at games or sports, but dominates the classroom in English, math and science. It is hard for him to understand that sports is different than academics. Practice, practice, practice is the only way to success.

Of course, Seth doesn’t realize that one of the reasons why he is so good in school is because I make him practice, practice, practice at home. I guess there is a qualitative difference though to sitting at a table doing multiplication drills than from kicking your legs and inhaling air at the same time.

After one meet I told a crying Seth: “You have a choice to make. You can give up and never find out how good you might be at swimming. Or we can practice more, in addition to team training.”

“Will I start winning then?”

“There’s no guarantee, but you definitely won’t if you don’t start practicing more.”

“Okay, I’ll do it.”

I’m a realist. I know that in part Seth is willing to practice to please his old man. I’ve never once pressured the boy to win – that’s internal – but I know how his mind works.

To Seth’s credit, though, he’s been swimming several more times a week than his teammates. Slowly, he’s been catching up.

In fact, at yesterday’s meet, Seth placed SECOND in breaststroke. It was quite an accomplishment, but Seth focused on the fact that he took last in the other three categories.

The poor guy. I did my best to explain that his are improving and he’s now in range of his teammates and competitors. I point out that he can swim four LAPS without stopping as opposed to one length just a few weeks ago.

The pep talk only helped a little bit, but in the end, he agreed to keep practicing. To Seth’s credit, he’s never asked to quit the team.

I also arranged another private lesson for Seth, where he’ll focus on the butterfly. It’s a really tough stroke. Lael undulates her body instinctively like a dolphin; Seth – like his dad – flops more like a stiff board.

I know this has been a hard lesson for Seth. Some parents might be critical of putting a child through this, and I can appreciate that. But truth be told, much in sports – as well as life – requires a balance of genetics and a solid work ethic.

I believe this difficult lesson of perseverance will benefit Seth in the long term: he is beginning to understand that academics need the same determination as swimming does. I also think it’s important to learn that taking the path of least resistance isn’t always the right choice.

Comments

[AJ]

Does he enjoy competing on the swim team?

After all is said and done, is his ability to enjoy an activity tied to whether he succeeds at it? For example, is the experience of having played a board game ruined if he doesn't win at the end?

[brettdl]

Seth really likes the social aspect of the swim team. Seth knows he can leave the team at the end of the summer if he doesn't like it, but until then it's mandatory because it's the best way out here to ensure his swim skills are up to par.

That's very important in Arizona because play dates often involve back yard pools that I cannot monitor.

And yes, virtually all games and sports are ruined for Seth if he doesn't win. That's why I'm using swim team as a teachable moment: He needs to learn how to deal with losing and what it takes to win.

I think that once Seth learns that hard work is the key to winning -- rather than a meltdown -- that he will better be able to convert negative energy into hard work.

[AJ]

"to ensure his swim skills are up to par"

What is par in this situation?

I'm in the opposite situation... nobody has backyard pools in our town. The only swimming occurs at health clubs and one community pool. Par for my daughter is simply to be comfortable in the water and have a basic grasp of a few swimming techniques.

I grew up around backyard pools, but there was no pressure to be good at swimming (I was not). We spent our time jumping, splashing and floating mostly.

At your playdates, do kids measure each other by their swimming abilities? Race each other in the water?

[brettdl]

Two parts: 1. It goes back to my childhood memories growing up in the Chicago suburbs. If you weren't a strong swimmer, a friend could pull you in -- goofing around -- and you might have trouble getting out of it.

2. There are so many childhood drownings in big urban areas like Phoenix-Scottsdale that it's hard to ignore.

As for the racing, that's a separate thing. Seth was aware that he couldn't keep up with the other kids and that bothered him. There was no teasing per se, it's mostly his own self-awareness of being slow.

Slow runs in my family. We have fantastic endurance genes but ZERO fast-twitch muscles. Because of this, most kids are faster and stronger than us unless we work out on a regular basis.

So I've explained to Seth that if he hates being weaker than everyone, he will have to work hard to overcome it.

[Marc]

As Brett's brother, I can confirm we always do everything the long, hard, painful way. Turns out that long, hard and painful does not guarantee success, nor is it always the best approach.

[brettdl]

But it does make for interesting things to write about.

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